coming clean

Most of the time I think I am a pretty good mom. I have an endless love for my daughter and I can tell that she knows this. Most of the time our days are filled with laughter, fun activities and the occasional time-out, or reminder of where the limits are. For the most part I choose to write about the positive things in this blog, because I worry that if I write about some of the more difficult, not so fun, things...that someone may think I am not the mom I strive to be, or judge me as a person or a parent.

Well, it's time for me to come clean.

Yesterday, I was not the mom I wanted to be. I got frustrated. I ran out of patience. I ran out of creative ideas of things for us to do. I ran out of energy to play. I raised my voice. I gave myself a time-out. Twice. There you have it...I am not perfect.

As Anna gets older and begins to assert her independence in new ways, my job is getting tougher. I find myself going through the same mood swings she does sometimes. Elated when she is happy and content, and at my wits end when the whining and leg clinging reaches its peak. My expectations of her are in flux as I try to figure out what she is capable of understanding and what consequences are both fair and effective. Also rumbling through my head is the question: just what proportion of the day should be spent with me actively playing with her, versus her entertaining herself?

I find myself in tears at the end of a day when my daughter and I have been at odds, and yet she has thrown herself into the arms of another child's mother covering them with hugs and kisses, telling me "no kisses mommy". In those moments I wonder what exactly I am doing right.

I know it was just a bad day. I know that one bad day doesn't cancel out the many, many good wonderful days that preceeded it. And I also know that the beautiful thing about yesterday is that it was just that...yesterday. Today is a new day, and one that has been quite opposite than the one before.