on parenthood

Before I became a parent I had a lot of ideas about what kind of parent I would be. I watched others and often caught myself thinking and sometimes even saying "Wow, they are way too strict." Or "They are way too lenient". Or my favorite, "My kid(s) will never do that".

And then I gave birth. And I realized that being a parent is much, much harder than it looks. It begins by bringing home a tiny little baby who you love more than you could ever have thought possible. Suddenly questions like "how do I know what to do? what does that cry mean? is he hurt? is she hungry? what if she stops breathing in the night? am i doing enough? am i doing too much?" and more start to enter your mind. And quickly you realize that there are no hard and fast rules. There is no manual that tells you that if you do x, y, and z that you will raise a healthy, happy, respectful, honest, intelligent child.

Over the past 2 years and 8 months we have made a lot of decisions for and regarding our children. Some are as simple as how we will spend our day, and what we will eat for breakfast - and others are more difficult - should I stay home or work, what discipline style should we use, how do we build self-confidence, and more.

Hundreds of decisions. Probably thousands of decisions.

Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with the information that is thrown at me. Guidelines about how much sleep, how much TV, what kind of discipline, what to expect at what age, when growth spurts occur, whether to let babies cry it out or cater to their every cry, what types of toys, what types of birthday parties, etc. And nearly every time you get your head wrapped around one thing you will read an article or find yourself in a conversation on the same topic and receive contradicting advice that is equally convincing.

As our eldest approaches age 3, new behaviors are emerging. Many make my heart swell with pride. And some....well, those things I once said my kids would never do. They happen.

Lately there are times when I find myself completely confused as to what to do. I see a behavior and think "what in the world am I doing wrong?", or think "how do I handle this one?". I find myself apologizing at the end of a playdate because I am embarrassed by something that occurred. I second guess my or our decisions and more questions float into my head and I feel overwhelmed.

And then I realize that it is likely that Anna's first memory will take place in the next several months - if it hasn't already. Will it be of me on a day when I didn't have enough patience, or when I lost my cool? Or will it be of the times we dance around the living room, or go pretend exploring in the neighborhood? I hope it is the latter.

Mostly I hope that my kids always know that they are loved. They are treasured. That I am proud of them.

On this journey that parenthood is, I find myself learning at every turn. I am learning that I am allowed to make mistakes - because there is no perfect parent, and there isn't always a "right" way. I was recently reminded to address the behaviors that need to be addressed, but to focus on the positive. And I am learning to let God lead.

A friend sent a card to celebrate Emmett's birth with the following written inside:

"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young" - Isaiah 40:11

Praying that God will gently lead you as you raise your little ones."

What a beautiful thing to say to a new parent. What a beautiful verse to remember.